Episode 78: Owning Your Parenting Mess with Scott Miller

Memories in Moments

March 25, 2020

Salt Lake City dad of 3 boys and author, and executive at Franklin Covey, Scott Miller, is officially joining the dad club on Memories in Moments podcast! Everyone has their mess, we are so not alone…so why do we continue to act and feel like we’re all alone in this? Scott is here to share why it’s so important to own your mess, both as a leader and parent, and the first steps in acknowledging, accepting and OWNING that mess so we can teach out kids to do the same!

Meet the Master of Owning Your Mess, Scott Miller!

I was so fortunate to hear Scott speak at Rise Business, a conference hosted by Rachel and Dave Hollis for small business owners. I’d never heard of Scott before, but definitely heard of Franklin Covey, of 7 Habits of Highly Effective People fame, so was interested in his talk, despite not yet managing a team in my own business. He was SUCH a captivating speaker! So relatable, engaging and I was hanging onto each of his tips for being a leader, and naturally reformatting them in my head to work for parents- the ultimate leaders, right?

Scott is the author of Management Mess to Leadership Success. So what does owning your mess actually mean? Vulnerability is an essential character trait of leaders and in turn wrapping your head around owning your mess. When you admit fault and are open to addressing challenges, you create safe places. You admit that everyone has their own mess and even the playing field. The thought of everyone having it all together is a total sham. Every one has their own mess. It could be different from your mess, but still a mess!

Owning your mess is walking into being comfortable owning your mess, admitting and talking about your mess, and letting others relate and feel safe.

What messes are currently happening in your life right now that you think are only happening to you? Finances? Insanely disorganized house? Kids that don’t listen? Failing business? Marriage problems? Guess what? You aren’t the only one.

Leadership Principals in Parenting

The Power of Not Interrupting

Interrupting is hugely selfish. Most of us aren’t listening, we are waiting for our chance to respond. If we just touched our upper lip to our bottom and stopped ourselves for 10 seconds, the person would land their point and often times share some vulnerable they may not have had we interrupted. Listen. Don’t listen to piggy back- listen to learn.

Not Needing to Say Everything on Your Mind

Again, this is a selfish tendency. You don’t have to say everything you think or give your opinion. Giving everyone space to talk and share without one upping or adding is very gracious.

Not Gossiping

When you defend those that are absent, you retain the trust of those that are present. Raise your standard. There is no need to talk about anyone differently when they’re around you or not. Be super mindful about how you’re talking about people when they aren’t around, and be brave and courageous in addressing issues to their face.

Declare Your Intent

So much of our conflict stems not miscommunication of intent and unwillingness to move outside their comfort zone. What are your expectations and what are theres? Are you clear on both? Think back on your past conflicts- almost always they stem from expectations that weren’t clearly communicated and because of that not met. When you have absent facts, you make things up. It’s the hidden agendas we all have inside of us. Declaring intent up front clears anyone’s agenda.

How to Right a Wrong

I really feel like righting a wrong and teaching authentic apologies is something we aren’t teaching out kids effectively. Our ego is such a huge part of us, and that ego holds us back from going all in, especially when it comes to apologizing.

The only legitimate apology is the excuse free apology.

Apologize, it was wrong, I’m embarrassed, it won’t happen again, will you accept my apology. It is hard, embarrassing, vulnerable and takes courage. Embrace those guts and go all the way across the bridge when you are righting your wrong.

Apologies need 3 parts, the I’m sorry, here’s what I did to you, and I recognize what it felt like for you.

Bonus points for asking if there’s anything you can do to make it better or gain that trust back.

Also, be more forgiving of others and don’t be so kick to judge or hold onto a grudge.

Owning Our Mess in Front of Our Kids

Be open and honest with our kids and what your family is going through. Obviously be mindful of their ages and maturity and don’t burden them, but be clear on expectations and what’s really going on and some of the sacrifices you may be making as a family.

This builds the power of transparency and truth telling and ultimately, asking for help. I get that it’s so easy to shield are kids from different situations and scenarios, but there are definitely things about your life that can be discussed in front of your kids, modeled and talked through in a really productive way that could teach empathy and compassion for others.

CONNECT WITH SCOTT AND SAY HI!

Buy the Book: Owning Your Management Mess

Listen to Scott’s podcast: On Leadership

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