We’ve got Enneagram royalty in the house today! Expert and mentor Joey Schewee is here to break down the Enneagram for us and share her advice on using it to help strengthen your relationships, marriage, and help parent your children. We take it a step further than discussing numbers and get into the 3 different stances, which is helpful in understanding the motivations and behaviors of our individual children! I couldn’t take notes fast enough!
Ready to have your mind blown? Meet Joey Schewee!
Joey’s mom is the QUEEN of the Enneagram, Suzanne Stabile, author of the book, The Road Back to You. She has lived and breathed the enneagram her whole life and is such an expert when it comes to helping people understand how the enneagram affects their life, marriage and parenting!
Respecting Your Partner’s Number
Your Enneagram number is wrapped up in your motivation not your behavior. What motivates you? That’s the driver behind your number. So when it comes to partnership, you both approach situations with very different motivations. Certain behaviors come along with your motivations, but it really outlines the 8 other ways that people see things and forces you to understand how they think and how that relates to you as well.
Think about The Golden Rule: treat others how you want to be treated. Well, that doesn’t really work when it comes to the enneagram. We treat people how we want to be treated…but that’s not necessarily how THEY want to be treated! So interesting right?
How Do We Find Our Number?
Ryan and I took an online test and identified with our numbers right away, however, Joey recommends NOT doing a written test, and instead, reading about each type and seeing what you identify. Because online assessment can’t pinpoint individual behaviors and traits of each individual. Read The Road Back to You, look the types up online, and decipher the motivations and behaviors that come with each type to find yourself in them.
Ryan and I’s relationship has 100% changed since finding the Enneagram. He is a 6 (the loyalist) and I am a 7 (the enthusiast) and we now have a totally different understanding of each other and the reasons we do what we do. It’s been huge for our patience, conflicts, and partnership as husband and wife but also parents!
Parenting and the Enneagram
All humans are born with 3 intelligent centers: thinking, feeling, and doing.
One of those centers moves forward to do our dominant, the other supports and the third somewhat falls away and becomes a bit suppressed. As a parent looking into our kids’ and starting to pinpoint their numbers, it’s best to start identifying which triad they are in. Which of the intelligent centers does your child showcase the most?
As a 7, I have the least access to feeling, along with 3s and 8s. I am in the head triad with 5 and 6s, 8, 9, 1 are doing, and 3, 2, 9 have the most access to their feelings. I am also in the aggressive stance as well, motivation wise vs. behavior though!
So while pinpointing kid’s numbers may be hard to identify, especially in younger children, it is beneficial to start thinking about what stance they are. Are they aggressive (3, 7, 8), withdrawing (4, 5, 9) or dependent. (1, 2, 6)? Once you identify that, you can start to understand the needs and motivations of your children, and how you can cater your parenting for the most success for all!
My kids are so different, and understanding these stances is so beneficial, especially when it comes to parenting multiple children.
Aggressive children need consistency because they know they can run everything. For example, 7s need consistency in setting boundaries for them and helping them see their behaviors effect other people. 7s are often on behavior plans, but people LOVE them…then they get consequences when their behavior effects other people.
Dependent stances need affirmation. These children have a ton of questions and can tend to doubt themselves. Finding ways to affirm their thinking and not just think for them/give them answers is important.
Withdrawing stances need some latitude and freedom of choice in scope and thought. Emotions and feelings fluctuate, meaning the way they see themselves is constantly changing.
So…have you identified what stance your child may be?? I’ve got a dependent in Evie and an aggressive in Hudson (at least I think so as of now!).
CONNECT WITH JOEY AND SAY HI!
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